I have found these days that composition has turned into something of an evil demon that makes you feel like the most spat-on speck of dust. In my latest piece, "A Singer's lament (my least favorite piece) I mention that the harsh reality has darkened the very dream. Well, I have found that the execution of this work has darkened my very dream of a career as a professional composer. One of the things that I admit that I have not done is successfully blocked out my previous anxieties on the complexities of my craft which should not exist. Ten weeks, eleven weeks, and now twelve weeks into my studies, I still am struggling with definite edits as people that I have graciously summoned to perform my works that I've so desperately tried to put on the table. The common practice with Dr. Menton, my composition teacher and I is that I do one set of corrections while he corrects them--too often. I know, to everyone, this is just life. This is just the way composers have to work. Composers must be really be willing to devote hours and hours of practice and editing to make their compositions the best and the brightest they could be.
They must also build a real, working relationships with performers. This includes the performers being ready to rehearse and perform compositions in a very communitive format. The composers have to also have all scores ready for the performers to perform. But, minor edits should be allowed in rehearsal. All this sounds great, but my experience below is the reality of the odds of having a performer perform your piece.
From a rehearsal stand point, the energy for my works is never there. Maybe when I get to heaven, maybe a choir will cover all the glorious work that I have tucked away deep in my mind for so many years. Every time I approach some one for a rehearsal of a piece of mine, I always get some enthusiastic replies, but yet there's a majority that come up with reasons that they cannot commit to my work. I always feel like the recitals or sort of off-points for me. I tend to think I'm in the wrong place, when I know that I'm in a right place. I can't really understand my place in this music world. I feel like I'm expected to be a slave for performers. Well, if there are no performers available o give you some rehearsals of the music, how are composers supposed to survive? I wonder if my compositions are really that terrible?
You know, I can do other things to make money and to make important relations with people through my books and subsequent songs. I don't need to do these compositions for a grade. I'd much rather do my compositions for performers just begging for music. It should not be the composer begging for performers. I'm tired of begging.
Also, I think that pop music is much faster for me to write than this classical music. Classical music is just too serious for me. Singing in choir and performing in jazz are almost the only highlights for me. I just wish that my work would be as rewarding as these two performing acts. I really wish I could write a swan song for choir that is not as difficult as the last. Yet, I do not understand how we can do a piece like Whitacre's "A Boy and a Girl" which is full of dissonant stuff and we don't do my choir piece. I think there is something wrong with this picture. I almost think I should have edited the choir piece and perfected that instead of doing this new choir work.
I believe that as a department, and as a collective of music majors, we are feeding into laziness and passing people on who are not as hard-working. But yet, how can I say that I am hard working when I'm a composer who doesn't act on offers that present themselves to him, let alone goes after his chance to perform. What the hell am I doing writing this material? Better yet, what am I doing sitting here living, when living is going out and performing? I don't get out much. That's a big problem.
Now, I look back on these insights and beliefs that I harbored about being a composer and feel that these are quite wrong. I have learned that even now, as long as you keep your passion about music at all-time highs all the time, then you will succeed in whatever branch of composing that your heart longs for. You may long to be a film composer, but you think you can't do so. Find local film makers who are willing to work with you. Give them your business card. Tell them what you do. Be passionate when you tell them about your interests. The more passionate you are, the better the chance you will have of succeeding in landing in a position where you are likely to blossom. In the next blog, Day II, I will uncover some strategies of songwriting and how to make your songs pop and in later blog posts, sell!
Hope this helped inspire you musicians to keep on plugging! For more music tips, visit http://www.wildpianoman.xanga.com.
